The Butterfly Project

So, this is something that I thought I would never ever submit. I learned of the butterfly project after I stopped cutting. I haven't cut in over two years, and haven't actually really thought about it in over one. I thought I was free of that problem. Of that addiction, of that part of me. Apparently not...

Tonight, after work I went to tea with a friend of mine, like we do every Wednesday, and have been quite awhile. It's really nice, fun, we just sit, drink tea, talk and laugh. Just hang out, we don't get to see each other a ton, so we really like this ritual. And it helps that it's usually open mic on the night that we go, sometimes we just listen to music, others we get up and read poetry. I'm thinking about maybe taking my flute one day and playing. Maybe.

Anyway, I digress, it turned out that my friend had convinced her sister to come. I hadn't seen her sister in quite some time, because she's always with her boyfriend, whom, it is no secret I dislike immensely. Anyway, he was with her. No big deal, I can ignore him. When I got there, my two friends were already fighting about him. It started there. My one friend who I always go with was really upset, because her sisters boyfriend, well, doesn't treat her very well. So I was mad at him before I even saw him because he made her cry. Anyway, I wanted to talk to my other friend for a bit. Alone. And I asked her in sign language to come to the back and talk to me for a minute. Sometimes I use sign when the place is loud because it's easier then trying to get something across using speech. Anyway that's when it went wrong.

He for some reason got pissed and said "Stop using deaf talk, it's not like you're deaf!" to which I tried to calmly ignore. He went on to say, "Why don't you just go sit down, take another anti-depressant and kill yourself already."

That made me snap. I didn't actually say anything. BUT I did grab his shirt. He was egging me on. I tried really hard not to let my anger get the best of me. I gave him a warning touch on his cheek and let go. That should have been the end of it. But my friend had left, so I went to talk to her, I don't think she heard everything that had happened, so I kind of wanted to explain my actions to her. At which point he asked me if I was stupid too, not just deaf. And then he accused me of blackmailing her to come, because her sister told her about the fact that my very young dog has cancer and isn't going to be with us very long. I told him that this in fact, was truth. And he said oh, it's not like it's a big deal. She's just one dog, there are a million out there. And if any of you have ever had any pet, you know that it's not like that. Anyway I walked away.

They came back. I went out to apologize. At which point he threatened me with an assault charge. And called me crazy.

And said that I was so pathetic I couldn't even kill myself right.

Anyway, that's pretty much what happened. That got me really upset and made me want to cut. So I'm waiting to hear if I am being charged. Which I've been assured won't actually go through even if he tries, because there's not really a case there that the cops will want to deal with. And they'd take a look at me and then him and think it was a joke, he is MUCH bigger than I am. And honestly I am TERRIFIED of this guy. Anyway, that's what I've been told by a few people. I really hope that it's true.

Anyway, to those of you who actually read this all the way through thank you. It wasn't really necessary. I just needed to rant. Having it out and the open will help me get past this. Thank you. Hopefully my butterfly will live and fly away. Because if it doesn't not only will my butterfly die, but I will also lose my boyfriend. And I really really really don't want that to happen.